How do I fix my head?

When I'm honest with myself I'm able to communicate better with others and accomplish things. There's a huge portion of my thoughts that I've neglected. I would say I've 'left out' these thoughts, but they've always been there - just intentionally muted.

I arrived in Tulsa freshly single like fish chum in a tank with starving great whites.

I was heartless towards those who tried to date me because I was just that: heartless.

I buried myself in work to fill the empty spaces.

I made rules about not dating - that I did not follow - until February when I'd have more time. Now that February is fast approaching I'm realizing that I'll feel the same way next month as I've felt since July.

I dated within TFA, within Tulsa, with an open mind. Nothing made it different. It's not like I didn't try. I faked it hard enough to please people, but not in an intimate way.

I had an Irish friend in China do a pointing dance move towards me any time this song came on:


While humorous, I don't want it to become a reality. I told "every girl's ideal" guy I dated a few months ago that I like my coffee how I like my soul, (black). He replied "Starbucks has a heartless, masochistic blend. Maybe you should switch to that."

It's a little sad because he's A. correct and B. handsome/smart/funny/notforme. Sometimes it makes me feel like damaged goods.

Please don't misinterpret this internal ramble.

*I don't feel sorry for myself. I think we walk around as if we have a hole in each hand while we never really know sacrifice.

*If we don't talk about things we forget them faster, but if we bury things they fester. This is me lancing the boil.